Introducing the Middleage Engineering Spring 2023 Catalog

Written by Adam Schatz

Announcing a brand product line from Middleage Engineering, a competitor in the exciting new field of non-synthesizer products made by synthesizer companies. These product descriptions have been transcribed from the disgruntled spokesperson at the Middleage Engineering booth at NAAM this year, where he would first describe the product, and then tell you how to get to the highway from here without having to use your phone.

1. Bag

do not speak to me or my son while we are at trader joe's

Don’t you dare order that new bag when we have a perfectly good stack of Trader Joe bags at home. If you ever took out the recycling instead of bleeping your damn bloops in your room with the door closed all day, maybe we wouldn’t have quite so many bags that pop out like a spring-loaded sneak attack every time I’m just trying to get the damn broom out. For an extra 50 cents, we’ll give you our Cyber Monday edition of the bag, where we seat one brown bag inside another thereby doubling it’s durability and giving you the satisfaction of foresight and the relief of a job well done.

2. Speaker

i still got it, don't i honey?

Yeah you need another speaker like I need a Neutrik hole in my head. This new one you want can rewind the sound? Big whoop, back in my day we just remembered what happened. You’re gonna blow out your memory by relying on technology to do it for you, and next thing you know you’ll be buying a new speaker forgetting that you’ve got a perfectly good one at home, Jesus Christ. So for $10, we’ll give you a card to tape over your credit card that just says “you have this at home, dummy.” You’re welcome.

3. Table

your mother made a casserole, we expect to see you this evening.

I mean I just can’t. I actually can’t. This new table you want, it folds up? It’s the perfect weight? Really? You really need to bring this table with you to perform  at a house show? You know what every single self respecting house has? Tables! Use one of those, and for Chrissake don’t scuff them up, you’re a guest in their home and you represent your whole family when you flounder about in the world. So in lieu of your incredibly misguided table purchase, might I suggest our Mackie Mixer Coaster that will keep your feedback loops from dragging a Phillips head gash across your friends’ mom’ walnut four top.

4. Hot Glue Gun to Squirt Into All Of Your USB Ports So You're Forced To Go Outside

remember when we used to do things, son? how about a game of catch with your old man?

Just squirt some of this glue into every USB port on your computer and go outside while the sun’s still up. USB 2, 3 and C compatible.

5. Leash

this is where i failed you. there are so many things i wish we could redo.

How bout this pal? You’ve got all this gear already which you said you were responsible enough to care for, and half of it just sits in your “racks” collecting dust. You promised you’d walk your gear at least once a day, and I gotta say I’m just not seeing it. So for $3, I’m gonna give ya this gear leash, I’ve got it knotted in a half-windsor which is what you woulda learned how to tie for your brother’s communion if you had half a brain and could pay attention when I was showing you something in the mirror. And yes, this looks like an old ethernet cable because it is an old ethernet cable. You’re welcome.

special thanks to Jimmy Joliff for divine inspiration

Adam Schatz is a musician and writer and is founder of the band Landlady.